134. Guilty Pleasure

I've never really understood the term "guilty pleasure." I mean, I know what it means, but I've never really felt guilty about finding pleasure in something. They are opposite feelings. So I watched a dumb tv show? If I enjoyed it, why should I feel badly about that? So I ate three brownies after dinner? Why ruin that with guilt?

But now I get it.

I stopped nursing my son about two months ago for medical reasons. Though it was a good decision for us, I miss the cuddles that nursing brought. Thomas is a very active boy, which of course means that he doesn't like to sit still. Even when he's taking a bottle, unless he is dead tired, he'll be up and down and trying to crawl away, dragging the bottle with him. 

Fast forward to this week. My kids spent five days with my parents while my husband and I went on a cruise. It was my first time away from Thomas for any length of time. Since coming home, he hasn't quite forgiven me for leaving him. He's been ornery and needy and hasn't slept well. 

At about midnight last night he woke up and screamed and screamed and screamed. I finally went in to calm him (husband may have nudged me out of bed a bit) and he immediately reached for me to pick him up. 

Now, back before he slept through the night, Thomas would only go back down by nursing. I had tried just holding him, but he wouldn't have it. So I was a little nervous about what would happen here. 

I picked him up and he immediately threw his arms around my neck (a very recent development) and laid his horas on my should. He just sat there and hugged me for a few minutes. Here began my understanding of guilty pleasure. I have so missed the cuddles from him that I had a momentary gladness for his unhappiness. And then I felt guilty. But I was still a little bit glad. After a few minutes I sat down in the rocking chair and shifted Thomas so he was lying in my arms. As I rocked, he curled up and fell asleep, a lock of my hair clutched in his little fist. 

I sat there much longer than I needed to, because I was enjoying it so much. But I was also feeling that guilt again. I was wishing this could go on and on forever. I know that he will eventually forgive me and when that happens he won't want my hugs and cuddles anymore. So for the time being I will take advantage of my poor baby's fears and tears and guiltily enjoy this sorrowful pleasure.