102. I, Sariah

 As a mother of four teenage boys, I thought I was prepared for anything. My boys had very different personalities. The older two, Laman and Lemuel, were rowdy boys. My third, Sam, was shy. He preferred to stay in the home with me. He was always gentle and sweet. After him was Nephi. He took after his father in every way. Each morning they would sit down together and pray. Then they would study the words of our Fathers. My husband, Lehi, would go into the city and teach the people what he had learned. Lehi was always teaching. It was his passion and his calling. Nephi would often go with him to watch and to learn.

We had a good life. It was simple, but pleasant. We had no needs they we couldn't take care of. Laman, Lemuel, and Nephi were all apprenticed to good masters and Sam helped care for our animals.

That was our life until my husband had a strange dream. He felt convinced that we needed to leave our home, our city, and our country. We needed to leave our world behind, or we would be destroyed with. Unrest was growing in Jerusalem. Our people were ignoring the words of the Lord. Threats had been made to many of the teachers and prophets. 

I didn't know if the Lord sent Lehi the dream or if it came from his own suppressed fears, but I didn't argue when he said we should find a new home. I imagined he meant we should go to Sheersheba, Bethel, or Moab. I assumed we would stay at inns or as visitors with relatives. I didn't expect the desert.

Lehi was my husband. We were one. So I went with him. We gathered our family, or livestock, food, our tents. We took supplies for our journey and no more. 

It was difficult to hear Laman and Lemuel complain about the journey. They wanted to know where we were going and I had no answer. They wanted to know why they had to leave their friends and I had no answer. They wanted to know when they would return and I had no answer. I was their mother. I was supposed to have every answer. But I had no answers.

And still I followed Lehi.

For days we travelled further and further away from Jerusalem. And then Lehi had another dream. The boys had to go back. They had to go back for the records of our fathers. Nephi went without question. Sam -- steady Sam -- did what was asked of him. Laman quarreled. Why didn't we get the records before we left? Why couldn't Lehi see we would need them? I felt those questions burning in my heart, but I would not question Lehi in front of our sons. We were their parents. They should never see us divided. And so the boys left.

They were gone for too long. My boys had been killed. I knew it. I was angry and confused and heartbroken. My babies, the joys of my life, had been sent on a fool's errand. My husband was crazy. He didn't know where he was going any more than I did. He had let his fears lead us into the bitterest of trials, and now my boys were dead. Shame on me. What a fool I was for following him blindly. 

With my boys gone, I expressed my fear and my anger to Lehi. I wept and I cursed him. I told him he was a fool and he had sent our sons to their deaths. He let me speak evil of him. He let me scream til my throat burned with the agony of my anger. And then he held me and wept with me until I could cry no more.

When I was quiet again he stroked my hair and whispered to me: The Lord was with us. 

Our sons returned. All four of them were alive and well. They had the records of our fathers. With the Lord's guidance, they had retrieved the records and found their way back to us. They had followed the Lord's directions as Lehi had explained them, and they were back.

I prayed with thanks more fervently that day than I ever had before. Though I had not seen the visions that my husband had, though I had not heard the words or felt the urges that he did, I could see and feel the blessings of the Lord's hand. I knew that we were being led by the Lord.

I knew that He loved me.