273. The King

I sit here, day after day, wondering if it will be my last. Will this be the last charge I order? Will this be the last dispute I settle? Will this be the last dinner? My last hunt? My last seal? My last wave? 

Will this be the last time I bid my daughters goodnight? They do not even know it may be. Should we tell them? But they are still young and innocent. They do not need the burden of worry. Edmond insists they would be better knowing, but there will be sorrow either way. Let them remember their last days with me as joyful ones. I do not want my memory to be of fear or guilt or pity. There is no reason to prolong their pain. 

Edmond will care for them. He will be a good and fair King and a loving head to this household. My daughters and wife will want for nothing. Yes, it is better this way.

And yet, I still awaken each morning, a little duller, a little slower. Soon I will have to give up my hunts and my rides into the villages. But for now, I will assure the safety and comfort of my people. I will do all I can while there is still breath in my bodies. And I will teach Edmond all that I can, so that he may lead with knowledge and confidence. 

I only hope he will find a queen to match my own. So much will burden him. He needs a strong companion to steady him and give him strength. There I can only guide him so far. The rest he must discover on his own. Let her be fair and wise. Let her be humble but sure. Let her be his match. 

Then, I will rest.

272. The Princess

Edmond has done it. I know it wasn't for me. He has never known about Henry. No one has. But now, can there be any obstacle? I dare to hope as I never have before. Edmond, the actual heir to the throne, will marry a scullery maid. Surely after this, mother and father can have no objections to a tutor. Is it possible that after all these long years of hiding, we can finally be together? 

I know we must wait, still. This is Edmond's moment. But soon, I hope, soon I will speak to them. Perhaps we will speak to Edmond first. He will understand best. He will know how to approach mother and father. 

Thank you, Edmond. And thank you, Ella, whoever you are.

271. Haiku to a Copay

Going to the doc

Is such a waste of money

They were not helpful

270. He Listens

He listens to our prayers.

He listens night and day.

He listens to our fears.

He hears whate'er we say.

He listens to our hopes,

The yearnings of our hearts.

He listens to our very thoughts,

The light ones and the dark.

He knows what are our deepest needs.

He knows just what to do.

Our Father, He is listening.

He loves me and you.

269. Chalk Drawings

With chalk as your sword

You can win any war

You can fight a great snake

Or eat chocolate galore

With chalk as your guide 

You can go to Japan

You can fly in a boat

Or run in a van

With chalk in your hand

There's no valley to far

You can go anywhere

Or stay right where you are

268. Talent Show

Janey sang "I Love To See the Temple" at our ward talent show tonight. She was off pitch. She missed a few words. Her timing was inconsistent. But it was the most beautiful thing I have heard in a very long time. She poured her whole little three-year-old heart out. She chased down the woman with the microphone, marched into the spotlight, swung once in her little white "wedding dress," raised her bouqet of flowers high, and sang. I am so proud of my little girl. 

267. Alcatraz, Alcatraz

Alcatraz Alcatraz whom do you hold?

I hold a bad guy, daring and bold.

Bad guy, bad guy, why are you there?

I stole a lot of dough from that big bank back there.

Big bank, big bank, where is your guard?

He took a sick day to mow his mama's yard.

Mama's yard, mama's yard, why are you so tall?

I like the bright sun, shining for us all.

Bright sun, bright sun, where do you shine your rays?

I shine down everywhere, but most on Alcatraz.

266. Sick, part three

The bug is passed on

No mortal can escape it

I'm once again ill

265. Sick Day

Vomit flying through the air

Vomit flying everywhere

Vomit flying out her nose

On her hands and on her toes

Vomit faster than twelve ducks

Sometimes mommying just sucks

264. The Post-Bedtime Dip

At the end of a hard day I sit back and put up my feet, a bit of alcohol in hand.

This is the moment I have worked through this day to get to.

The tiny clink of the bottle on the table.

The smoothness as it slides down.

The buzz in my head when I've gotten just a bit too much.

Oh the little pleasures in life.

There's just nothing like sitting back and removing nail polish.

263. Ward Changes

For the last week I've been struggling with the knowledge that I will no longer attend church with most of my current ward (congregation). When and where you attend church is based on your geographical location. Some places a ward can cover several cities. Other places it's as small as a few city blocks. Because there are so many members of the LDS church (Mormons) moving into our area, several ward boundaries were changed to create a new ward. My neighborhood was one of only a handful that were taken from my current ward to the newly created one, to be joined with parts of another existing ward. 

Logically, I know I will be fine. The exact same lessons will be taught. The exact same schedule will be followed. The Sacrament will be administered in the exact same way. This is really not much different than moving into a new ward. I've done that so many times, I've lost track of how many I've been in. But of all the places I've lived and all the wards I've been in, I have never felt so at home, or so loved, as in this one with these people. I have never loved a ward so entirely. 

And yes, I know some of those people I love will be in my new ward. And I know I will still see these people regularly. I still live in the same city. I still live within ten minutes of all of them. We will still attend church in the same building, just on different schedules. I know this. 

But it doesn't mean my heart isn't breaking.

So for the last week I have been keeping myself busy so as not to think about this impending change. This morning was my last time attending with the Klein Oak ward. As of 6:00 tonight, I am now a member of the Willow Creek ward. This morning was also our Primary Program. This is when all the children ages 3-11 share short talks and sing songs about what they have been learning all year. For the last two years I have been serving in the Primary. I have been with these children as they learned and grew in the Lord. 

I couldn't join in today as the children sang "I Know That My Savior Loves Me."

I tried. I started. But my throat closed up with emotion as I heard their pure little voices testifying of Christ's love for them, His love for me. Fifty-four beautiful angels  sang of the Lord. "The love that He felt for His little ones I know He feels for me. I did not touch Him or sit on His knee, yet Jesus is real to me. I know He lives. I will follow faithfully. My heart I give to Him. I know that my Savior loves me."

I have heard this song dozens of times as they've practiced it throughout the year, but this time it was different. 

They were speaking to me. They were reminding me that I am going to be okay. My Savior loves me. He knows of my thoughts. He knows how hard this is for me. He knows of the love I feel and the happiness I have experienced here serving with these wonderful people.

I know that whatever comes will be for my good. He is watching over me. 

I am still scared. I am still sad. But I will be okay.

I know that my Savior loves me.

262. Pain

Probably okay

Annoying though

I don't really like this

Not the way to go

261. One Hour; Four Outfits

Pee and orange juice and bananas, oh my!

Child, you are so messy, but why?

Why do you rub your food in your hair?

Why does your juice go all over the chair?

Why is your whole diaper dry but I'm wet?

You are the messiest baby I've met.

260. Circle Face

Circle face got stuck in his chair

Couldn't even get the tires from his hair

Threw a buggy through the tunnel of death

And ran around til he ran out of breath

Circle face fell to the ground

Covered in rice that made no sound

Playing inside away from the sun

Circle face had too much fun

259. Haiku For The Martian

This book is so good

I have to stop writing now

So I can read more

258. Haircut

I got my hair cut this morning. I didn't think it would be that big of a deal. But boy was I wrong. You see, Janey was at preschool when it happened, and I didn't think yo tell her I was getting it cut, so when I picked her up and she started to cry, I was a little surprised. 

Now, in Janey's defense, the last time I cut my hair was almost two years ago, she wasn't even two. The cut didn't phase her then. And my haircut today wasn't small. I chopped a good ten inches. 

But it wasn't that she didn't recognize me. After a few minutes of me questioning and her crying, I figured out that she wasn't scared OF me; she was scared FOR me. 

Janey's only real experience with haircuts is "Tangled." Spoiler alert: Throughout the whole movie, the importance of Rapunzel's long hair is a huge theme. Then, at the end, her hair is cut. Flynn Rider dies. Mother Gothel dies. Rapunzel cries. Rapunzel no longer has her magic. Now, the movie has a happy ending and all is well, but apparently the hair-cutting scene is very, very dramatic. 

So here I come, Janey's hero, and I've had my hair cut off. She was scared for me because she thought I was sad and in trouble, and hurt. She loves me so much that she was devastated that I had gone through an ordeal similar to Rapunzel's. 

It's taken me several hours to work this all out. Between sobs I deciphered "Rapunzel," "cut your hair," "hurt," and "scary." 

I was able to talk with her and let her know I was okay. I told her I wasn't hurt, that I was still me, and that I was still her mommy. I reminded her of other mommy's she knows who have short hair. I told her Mulan cuts her hair and is happy, but she's only seen it once, and she's never seen Snow White, so that was out. Seriously, guys, all the other princesses have long hair.

She calmed down enough that her cries turned into silent weeping. Then, about half an hour after I picked her up, we met my husband for lunch. As soon as she saw him she burst into tears again and ran to tell him about "mommy's scary." 

My husband and I ate our lunch and tried to get Janey to eat hers, but she was just too worried to eat. She just sat there looking at me with sadness. 

Eventually, we gave up on getting her to eat. We got distracted by Thomas throwing his veggies on the floor and talking about my husband's morning.  After about 15 minutes of sitting in silence, Janey whispered "Bolt." Then, a little louder, with us watching her, she said "Bolt. Bolt's friend has short hair. Bolt's friend is good!" By the end of her sentence, she was smiling. She had been sitting there the whole time trying to find a way to make sense of a happy girl with short hair, and had realized on her own that Bolt's owner, Penny, was a good, happy character who had short hair. 

After her discovery, she was able to eat. She had just needed to find someone in her world to prove that I really was safe.

She was still a little wary of my hair until naptime, but after she woke up, she decided that my "Penny hair" was not a bad thing anymore. 

It's amazing to me how much goes on in her little three-year old brain. There's so much that she doesn't tell me. I never would have thought she associated short hair with danger. I didn't know she could feel that much fear for my safety. 

I'm so glad I have my little girl to love me so dearly.

257. Imprint

I had a lot of fun

Playing in the rice.

The groceries were dumb

But playing knight was nice.

But then I went and fell, 

A Lego in my hand,

And what was more to tell

I didn't softly land.

And now you see me here,

A-standing in this place,

With red marks on my ear

And two circles on my face.

256. Children's Praise

Little children

Round the world

Praise the Lord

His voice they've heard

The love they feel

Will follow them

Through darkest times

Through thick and thin

And they'll remember 

Gifts he gives

They'll sing for joy

"I know He lives"

255. Dripping Death

The blaring alarm bombards my ears

The sizzle and crack of the pan

Putrid smoke swirls thick in the air

A pop

A hiss

I am defeated

Birds may feast on the charred remains of this good housewife's attempt

254. Nine Eleven

I didn't know what the Towers were. 

I didn't know where they stood.

I didn't know who Al Quaida were.

Or that I even should.

I didn't know some hated us.

I didn't know malice rose.

I didn't know there could be such dust

At the day's hard close.

I didn't know the solemn fear.

I didn't know the pain.

I didn't know the sounds I'd hear

That fell with fiery rain.

I didn't know the actions.

I didn't know the love.

I didn't know the reactions

Of those who flew above.

I didn't know the world would change.

I didn't know the fight.

I didn't know the feelings strange

That came with morning's light.

I didn't know the sacrifice.

I didn't know the care.

I didn't know that hate and vice

Could vanish from the air.

I didn't know comraderie.

I didn't understand.

But what I see, through misery,

United now we stand.

253. The Garden Palace

Lord Lily threw a pillow at the feisty Lady Sara.

Sir Rose and Maid Marigold were funnier than ever.

Lord Loce and Lady Lilac romanced under the sun,

While Queen Daisy and King Daffodil ruled with gentle thumb. 

All were stately courtiers in the Golden  Garden Palace.

Life was sweet and pleasant there; no sign of any malice.

What happened to the garden days? What happened to the love?

They're all just joyful memories. No more parties. No more hugs.

But love is strong and there deep down a tiny seed remains.

And so I'll always love you, until my dying days.

252. Gas

Gas

It happens to everyone

Your dad gets gas

Your mom gets gas

Even your Great-grandma Edna gets gas

It's a natural part of digestion

So break wind, toot, cut the cheese, blast your bum, and burn some nostrils.

Fart Proudly, my friends.

251. Guilty Pleasures

Can anyone resist kissing the cheek of a baby sleeping on their shoulder?

Can anyone resist pushing the boy who is posing on a boulder?

The snore,

The squeal,

It's worth it all. 

The crying through the night.

The hiking without light.

These are pains you go through to feel the pleasures when you're older.

250. 92

Boy it is so hot

My brain is melting tonight

Ninety two degrees

249. Is There No Home For Me

The pigs eat slop

But I eat not

Is there no home for me?

Should I return?

My bridge is burned.

Is there no home for me?

The lowest, all,

My greatest fall,

Is there no home for me?

For hope is gone.

There is no dawn.

Is there no home for me?

My father's care,

My brother there,

They taught me right from wrong

But can I go,

My troubles show,

Can I rejoin the throng?

With mercy fair

I must go there.

Is there a home for me?

For love is strong

And must go on,

There is a home for me.

248. Gibberish

All my friends have heads, she said

And everything is red

What you like's a yellow trike

But dinosaurs are dead

247. Long Drive

Drive drive drive your car

Ever down the roads

Kick and cry and sleep and scream

Until your mom explodes

246. Too Hot

Too hot to think

Too hot to be creative

So hot I stink,

Can't take initiative 

245. The Sleepy, Sleepy Thomas

The sleepy, sleepy Thomas crawled into his jammies,

Yawned a huge yawn and climbed upon my knees.

He rubbed his eyes and counted a few sheep.

Then the sleepy, sleepy Thomas laid down and fell asleep.

244. Hogwarts

Hogwarts. Hogwarts. Hoggy warty Hogwarts.

How I wish I were there.

Won't you let me come to you?

I'd jump the vanishing stair.

I'd run through corridors black or red.

I'd dine in your Great Hall.

I want to hear the Fat Lady sing,

Or dance at the Yule Ball.

Hogwarts, won't you let me in?

I'll bring my own soft pillow. 

I'd never sneak out of my bed

Or freeze the Whomping Willow.

I'd never use the Weasleys' map 

To get to Hogsmeade grounds.

I'd never tease Mrs. Norris,

Or scare Filch with rude sounds.

Oh Hogwarts won't you teach me, please,

How to use a wand?

Won't you teach me how to fly 

Or how to clean a pond?

Won't you teach me spells and charms

Or how to mix a potion?

Won't you teach me how to stop 

A train that is in motion?

Hogwarts, hear my plaintive cry

Across this little nation.

Hogwarts I will come to you.

I'm here at King's Cross Station.