306. Geldar the Grand (February 18, 2011)

F

ar from the Fens and the Fairies of Fengalo

Geldar the Grand gave some Goblins Glue Guns.

Geldar was Grandson of Golfon Grem

Whose fat furry Father was Fenlock Fiercebraids.

The Mother of Fenlock made Marmalade Meatloaf

And her Name was Nellie Nan Neckburn the Nice.

Nellie was never One of the Neatest of Nords,

But She surely could shame all the Simpleton Shoops

And that’s why this thistly Thatcher of Thengos

Let the light Legs of the Shoop Fellows live.

One mild and mellow and quite misty Morning

The Goblins of Grimsonbel came grumbling and groaning.

They shouted “Say, Shoops! You smell like Soup Sugar.

Come crack open a Camel or croak like the Crucks.

The flakey Shoops feared for They’d fairly forgotten

The Promised They’d paid to those pointy headed Pimples.

The Camel They’d crack or their Curtain would be Crushed

By the Mean-mothered Milkmaids, Marla and Mush.

They sent for the surly and surefooted Grandson

Of Golfon Grem, the Great Gangly Glarer,

He was Hurling Harry, and Heyward the Hound,

Tinkering Thomas the Tall Tipping Tower,

Malevolent Mister of Murkywood Meadow,

Daring Dog Dasher, Deadliest Dork.

Elegant Elbows and Eagle Eyebrows.

Xerxes the Xershaw the great Xerox Xaver

And Agile Antelope and Anaconda Assassin.

Geldar the Grand on his Galant Galopagos Tortoise

Flew from the front-facing Fenster of the Fort.

They could not have crawled quicker if carnivorous Coyotes

Were dragging a dangerous dancing drunk Dragon

Behind their bare Bottoms with Brooms and big Bands.

Geldar glared glancingly at the Goblins great Gathering

And shouted that He should surely soon smash Them.

The great Goblin God, Grisham Gru Grellen by Name

Looked at the Lean Leopard and laughed loud and long.

“You puny, pussy, unpasteurized Pig!

My Men will molest you like a Marmoset Mother

Unless you can understand an uncanny Utterance.”

“Grisham Gru Grellen, you grisly old Goat,

There are thousands of Things You would think of to throw Me,

But my Brains are much bigger and my bulging Balls too

Than your useless and yellow old Yarks of a Yak.”

Grisham’s healthy but haggard small Handmaiden Helga

Sneaked in a small Sneeze to stifle her Snicker.

Then Grellen the Goaded grew angry and gregarious

And ran right at Geldar like a Rampaging Rhino.

He pelted his Opponent with his pointy-peaked Pestle

But the Brave Bangled Bear had no Plan to be butchered

 So he sidestepped his Saboteur and silently smiled.

Then down came his Dagger and dashed through Gru’s Dress

And revealed a real rare Case of Camelback Rash.

The Falchion was flipped with flashy Fortitude

And slammed not so slightly on the stumbling Slanderer.

His Skin split in Slices. He screamed with Spite.

The Cunning Cougar had cracked the Camel.

Geldar the Grand gave the Goblins some Glue Guns

To patch up the Pieces of that pitiful Private.

They waddled away with their wallowing Woes.

The Showers were started, then shouted the Shoops.

The Harrowing Heron was a huge Hero at Home.