Tommy wanted to be a pirate more than anything in the world. But Tommy just didn't fit in with the other pirate boys. He had two working legs, unlike Pegleg Pete. He had two fully functioning and attached hands, unlike Handless Hank. He had a full head of hair, unlike Shinyscalp Stewart. He couldn't swing from the sails like Maniac Mike, or pick up the plank like Muscles Morgan. He didn't have a parrot like Dirty Davey or a pet monkey like Rufus the Ruffian. He had every single one of his teeth, unlike Gap-tooth Gary. His nose was perfectly straight, unlike Crooked Carl. And worst of all, he didn't have a pirate hat.
But Tommy wanted to be a pirate. He worked hard to make sure his ship was always seaworthy. He tightened his sails and swabbed his decks. He waxed his gangplank and cooled his ropes. He kept his barrels filled with water and biscuits, always ready to sail on a moment's notice.
Day after day Tommy waited in the pirate ship lineup, hoping to be chosen as the next crew mate. And day after day, he was passed up because he was too plain.
Then, on a hot summer day, as Tommy was wiping down his railings, Tommy was approached by Captain Schnoz, the biggest, toughest, nosiest pirate on the seas.
"What is that smell, pirate?" Captain Schnoz asked.
Tommy looked around confused. His ship was clean. There was nothing to give off a bad smell. He had washed every surface of his vessel, including the very tip of the bowspirit.
Tommy held out his rag and whispered "lemon oil."
"It's the darned good smellinest ship I ever laid eyes on, laddie." Captain Schnoz clapped Tommy on the back with a massive hand. "How'd ya come ter makin her smell so fresh?"
Tommy grinned up at the big man's nose, the only part of his face he could see. "I cleaned all the dirty spaces I could see. And if I saw something get dirty again, I cleaned it again."
With a great sniff, Captain Schnoz smiled and asked Tommy's name.
"Just plain Tommy, sir," Tommy said, looking down at his perfectly intact toes.
"Well, Tommy, I've never smelt a better ship in all my long years of sailing. I can smell land before I can see it, but I can also smell each and every moldy plank or rotted fish on every ship I've been on. I want to hire this here ship of yours. My nose has never been so happy."
Tommy was delighted: he was finally going to be a pirate.
"Now Tommy," the great Captain peered down at him over his large beak, "you're going to need a better name than "Just Plain Tommy."
Tommy's shoulders drooped. He couldn't be a pirate without a pirate name. It just wasn't done. But he didn't have any name-worthy features. He was perfectly plain in every way.
"I have just the name," Captain Schnoz said, tapping the side of his capital schnoz. "From now on you will be known as Two-Eyed Tommy, whose use of BOTH eyes keeps his ship clean and his crew happy."
"I'd like that very much, sir," Tommy said, shaking hands with his new Captain.
As the harbor grew small in the distance, Tommy wiped a speck of mud off the railing. He couldn't help but notice the smiles on all the crew's faces. Perhaps there was something to being perfectly plain after all.
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