134. Guilty Pleasure

I've never really understood the term "guilty pleasure." I mean, I know what it means, but I've never really felt guilty about finding pleasure in something. They are opposite feelings. So I watched a dumb tv show? If I enjoyed it, why should I feel badly about that? So I ate three brownies after dinner? Why ruin that with guilt?

But now I get it.

I stopped nursing my son about two months ago for medical reasons. Though it was a good decision for us, I miss the cuddles that nursing brought. Thomas is a very active boy, which of course means that he doesn't like to sit still. Even when he's taking a bottle, unless he is dead tired, he'll be up and down and trying to crawl away, dragging the bottle with him. 

Fast forward to this week. My kids spent five days with my parents while my husband and I went on a cruise. It was my first time away from Thomas for any length of time. Since coming home, he hasn't quite forgiven me for leaving him. He's been ornery and needy and hasn't slept well. 

At about midnight last night he woke up and screamed and screamed and screamed. I finally went in to calm him (husband may have nudged me out of bed a bit) and he immediately reached for me to pick him up. 

Now, back before he slept through the night, Thomas would only go back down by nursing. I had tried just holding him, but he wouldn't have it. So I was a little nervous about what would happen here. 

I picked him up and he immediately threw his arms around my neck (a very recent development) and laid his horas on my should. He just sat there and hugged me for a few minutes. Here began my understanding of guilty pleasure. I have so missed the cuddles from him that I had a momentary gladness for his unhappiness. And then I felt guilty. But I was still a little bit glad. After a few minutes I sat down in the rocking chair and shifted Thomas so he was lying in my arms. As I rocked, he curled up and fell asleep, a lock of my hair clutched in his little fist. 

I sat there much longer than I needed to, because I was enjoying it so much. But I was also feeling that guilt again. I was wishing this could go on and on forever. I know that he will eventually forgive me and when that happens he won't want my hugs and cuddles anymore. So for the time being I will take advantage of my poor baby's fears and tears and guiltily enjoy this sorrowful pleasure.

133. The Stepmother - Turned Out

She should be thanking me for giving her such an opportunity. Time alone with the prince! There when she fainted. Visiting her every day to see how she recovers! I couldn't have planned it better. And how does she repay me? No gratitude. No thanks. No acknowledgement of my cunning. What an ungrateful brat I raised. How could she go so wrong? 

It must be that girl. Filling her head with useless stories and rot. If only I had turned her out of the house as soon as her father was gone. He outsmarted me there. I will never forgive him for it.

And now my own child turns me away as if everything I do isn't for her benefit. She'll never get ahead without my help. So be it. If she won't accept my help, she won't get it. Let her catch a marriage on her own. She'll have nothing from me. 

At least I still have one grateful child left. And I will see her lifted to the grandest heights. Let Cinderella have her cottage. We shall live in a palace.

132. Paper Airplanes

Paper airplanes in the sky

Flying far and flying high

Flying left and flying right

Through the day and through the night.

Though you think they're just for nerds,

People come to watch in herds.

Not a sport but even so,

How far can you make yours go?

131. Betrayed

Thomas and Jane spent the last five days with my parents while my husband and I went on a cruise. This was my first time apart from Thomas for longer than he sleeps at night in the nearly one year that he's been alive. 

My boy is a mama's boy through and through. He cries for anyone but me, my husband, and one friend. If I leave the room while he is with someone else, he melts down. Jane was nothing like this. From day one she has been happy with any and every person we have ever left her with.

Knowing the personalities of my children, what I expected when we picked them up today was squeals of delight from Thomas and happiness, but not really much more than usual, from Jane.

That didn't happen.

We walked into the room and Jane shot her little head into my knees. She sang "mommy" over and over again and jumped up and down while attempting to strangle me with her hugs. 

Thomas willingly was passed into the arms of his dad, and there he stayed. He wouldn't even look at me. I took him from my husband and he immediately started crying and reachng for his grandma.

A heart was never so quickly thrilled and subsequently demolished.

130. Money Changers

A few days ago my husband and I were in New Orleans. We had a few hours to kill so we decided to walk around for a bit and see what the city had to offer. As we wandered, we came across a large park. Down the side of the park were several painters selling their work. We were interested so we followed the path of artists and our walkway opened to a large open courtyard. At one side of the courtyard was the far end of the park we had followed. Just across from it stood a Cathedral. Though I am not Catholic, I truly appreciate the beauty and artistry that goes into these wonderful buildings. 

My first reaction as we stepped out into the courtyard was awe and excitement. It didn't take me long, though, to be distracted from this glorious tribute to God. Filling the courtyard were several types of street vendors loudly hawking their wares. There were usual trinket merchants that accompany many tourist attractions, but what really caught my attention was the street magicians and fortune tellers.

Now, I know that New Orleans is known for its connection with magic. And I'm not the type of person who is bothered by magic generally. I'm a huge Harry Potter fan. I enjoy watching stage magic. I like "The Princess and the Frog." But this was different.

What appalled me so much about these people was that they sat there on the steps of this holy building, this place dedicated to the powers of God, and tried to sell me this power. They dared take something sacred and twist and mar it for their own profit. And they did it right there. They chose that spot because it was well-traveled. They chose it because the people who visit a Cathedral believe in the power of God and the miracles it can perform. And they act as if they can use that power and provide those miracles.

I was sickened as I walked past them but as I entered and the doors of the cathedral closed behind me, the sounds of the vendors were cut off and peace surrounded us. We spent several minutes in the quiet reverence of the cathedral, listening to the hymns of devotion, looking at the beautiful artwork, and just taking in the peace and harmony that comes from worshipping in a sanctuary dedicated to God. By the time we left I had almost forgotten the chaos that waited outside the doors. I

 was so happily wrapped in the peaceful spirit of the sanctuary that opening the doors again felt like a physical blow. My peaceful moment was ruined in an instant and I felt immediately that I finally understood what the Savior must have felt when he came to the Holy Temple and found the money changers selling their goods for a profit. I can understand why he threw them out and overturned their tables. I can understand his anger. Because I was angry and I wanted to do the same. I wanted to run at the fortune tellers and the magicians and cry at them to leave the holy place. I wanted to send the vendors from the spot and wash the courtyard clean of the stink of their wares and their smoke and their drinking. I wanted to cry for the desecration and destruction of what must once have been a truly wondrous entrance to and exit from this lovely, spiritual place. 

I know that this is not what should be expected when visiting a church of God, but I also know that this is not a unique situation. I can only look forward to the day when the Savior comes again and this tragedy becomes no more.

129. Voyage

When all you see is vast and blue

There's nothing else for you to do

But stare and stare and state and stare

And wonder when you will get there.

You hope the stars will be your guide

When you sail the ocean wide.

The hea'nly compass leads the way

With moon at night and sun at day.

The freedom of the sea is clear

But with the freedom so comes fear

For there's no rescue there for you

If you should fail or lose your crew.

Some day again, it's journey's end,

You see the land. Your ailments mend.

A new life greets you when you land.

America: Let Freedom Stand.

128. Earth

If we were not native to Earth, would we settle here? Would we risk our lives and our children in a world with such varied and intense weather? Would we choose to live in the scorching desert of the Sahara or the bitter frost of Russia? Or would we simply write of Earth as uninhabitable? The sun burns too close. It creates cancer and changes the color of our skin. The ocean is water undrinkable. Tornados are too violent. Hurricanes and earthquakes are too destructive. The arctic is too cold. The deserts are too hot. Would we choose this planet as our home?